Done-zo.

Abby... meet proverbial wall.

When I sauntered about saying, "Balls to the wall, Parker!", I forgot to look where I was going, and I myself have Hit. The. Wall. Done.  Box it up.  I'm over it.

I am tired of my car.  I am tired of this building.

THERE ARE NOT WORDS to describe how tired I am of this sign.

 I am tired of this elevator.

I am tired of this lobby.

I am tired of this hallway.

I am tired of this hallway.

I am tired of these fish.

I am tired of THIS hallway.

I am tired of this elevator.

I am tired of THIS HALLWAY (for the love of pete with the hallways).

I am tired of these doors.  I am tired of calling back to say "I am here to VISIT my son, Parker."

I am tired of this room.

I am tired of this cafeteria.  I am tired of the “Monthly Superfoods” and I am grouchy that we are now on our fourth superfood (avocados, mushrooms, berries, and now chiles, in case you were wondering)

I am tired of this bench, where I eat lunch every day.  I am tired of that stupid bag that Northside gave me.  It is ugly, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to get a nicer one because that means we will be there longer.

I am tired of having all four of us in different places.  We all four have not been under the same roof for more than 12 hours in 12 weeks.  I am tired of not being home to play with Jeremiah. I am tired of snapping at my husband.  I am tired of Mike feeling guilty for going to work.  I am tired.

Added to that, I hit that dog, Mike got rear-ended at work, he got dispatched to a call for a fetus in someone's freezer, and my dad and cousin were in a boat explosion/ensuing fire (no very serious injuries, praise God, but a complete disaster nonetheless).  Needless to say, our mental states have taken a few blows this week.

It looked/sounded like we were going to go home in less than a week.  Now, we aren't sure when we will be going home.  Not due to any real changes in Parker's health, but more due to logistics such as determining which medicines he needs at home and what equipment we need from the home health company.  In my mind, these are not things that require more than a day or two to coordinate.  They want to finish off Parker's Ativan wean in the hospital. I feel like we can administer those last few doses at home.  They were hoping he would be doing better with his oral feeds.  I am completely prepared to take him home on his NG tube and we have been taught how to deal with that.

I am not a doctor.  I do not know all of the things that need to line up so that they feel 100% confident in sending Parker home. I am just a frustrated wife and mother who has reached the end of the rosy rainbow.

We've hung in there pretty well for 12 weeks.  I'd like to think that we have been cooperative parents and that we have helped as much as possible in Parker's care.  I'd like to think that we have had significantly fewer meltdowns and tantrums than we might have.  

I'd also like to think that our time on the merry-go-round is over.  It's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun.

I feel somewhat guilty for unloading... The CDH community has lost way too many babies in the last few days (Those are just the ones who are part of the Facebook groups.  In all actuality, 3 CDH babies die every hour and there just aren't words for that).  There are two CDH friends who have reherniated this week.  There are NICU parents who have been chugging along much longer than we have.  We WILL go home, and that in itself is enough of a blessing to outweigh the rest.

In that spirit... let's turn the beat around.

-I am tired of the building, but I am grateful beyond words that it is there

-I am tired of the parking deck, but the little man in the ticket booth makes me smile.

-I am tired of the elevators, but I don't wanna be walking no stairs.

-I am tired of the lobby, but I am grateful for the people in it who volunteer to make the kids smile.  There are clowns, visiting celebrities, and our very own Fairy Godmother.

-I am tired of the fish, but they remind me to "just keep swimming."

-I am tired of the hallways, but at least I get my exercise.

-I am tired of the NICU doors, but I am grateful for the security and the fact that they have my baby on lockdown.

-I am tired of Parker's room, but I am grateful to be in it instead of in the critical care area.

-I am tired of the cafeteria, but I am grateful for my free meals and for the people who work there.

-I am tired of that bench, but I am grateful to be able to sit in the sunshine in the beautiful garden.

-I am tired of this rollercoaster, but I am unable to adequately convey my thankfulness to the God who has carried us all through.

Temporary trials.  Eyes on the prize.

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

~2 Corinthians 4:17-18

(just 'cause he's cute.  Mohawk courtesy of the night nurses.  Rock star!)